Recently, Starbucks announced a change to its open-door policy, which previously allowed anyone to use their space—even without making a purchase. This “everyone welcome” approach helped create a community space for gathering and working. While a noble and generous idea, it came with its challenges.
I’m not a regular Starbucks customer, but there have been times when I’ve needed a quiet place to read or work while traveling. Often, I found a quiet corner to seclude myself with my overpriced cup of tea. But we’ve all seen the person who sprawls out in a prime corner, earbuds in, loudly talking on the phone—without a Starbucks cup or pastry in sight. I understand why Starbucks felt the need to set some limits. By refining their policy, they can focus on providing a better environment for their actual customers—and for their staff and facilities.
This shift in policy reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend who was feeling overwhelmed. She told me, “I’m implementing a new policy: limiting myself to just one board position per year.” She’s learning to protect her time, focusing on a new creative project rather than overcommitting to obligations that drain her energy. Just like Starbucks is adjusting its approach, she’s establishing a policy that allows her to focus on what matters most to her.
As a therapist, I love to hear when people or organizations set healthy “policies”—what we therapists call “boundaries.” Most of my work revolves around helping clients recognize when and how to set these crucial limits. An open-door policy might sound generous, but it’s not always a good strategy for managing time or reducing stress. Being available is great—but not all the time, to everyone, whenever they want.
My clients learn that they can be kind, generous people and still say no when they need to. Starbucks recognizes that saying no to some allows them to create a better experience for their customers and employees alike.
Why Boundaries Matter
Many people misunderstand what boundaries are and why they’re so essential for mental health and well-being. Here are a few key points I teach my clients:
1. Not an Open Door, But a Door You Control
Think of your boundaries as a door you control—you decide when to open it, when to close it, and when to lock it. You choose who and what gets access to your time, attention, and resources. Like Starbucks, learning when, who, and how often to let someone in is key to maintaining balance, calm, and focus.
2. You Are in Charge of Enforcing the Policy
Boundaries are not for others—they’re for you. You are responsible for enforcing them. Many clients express frustration when a loved one or coworker “disrespects” a clearly communicated boundary. It’s important to remember that others may not respect boundaries they didn’t agree with. Just as Starbucks will have to find ways to stop non-customers from using their restrooms, you’ll need to figure out how to stop your mother-in-law from entering your house unannounced.
3. Boundaries Will Vary
Unlike policies, which apply universally, boundaries are customized to different people and situations. With one person, you might need a strict boundary, but with another, a more flexible one might work. For example, you might need firmer boundaries with an overbearing parent, while your considerate mother-in-law may require less rigid limits.
4. Consistency Is Key
Once you set boundaries, like policies, they must be clear and consistent. Every time you make an exception to your boundary, you weaken its value. Over time, others will learn that your “NO” isn’t really a “no.” They’ll figure out that if they ask in just the right way or at the right time, or often enough they can get past your door.
5. Learning to Say No
There are many ways to say no, and learning to do so consistently and kindly is a skill anyone can develop. It begins with giving yourself permission to say no—and understanding that you’re not being selfish or difficult. You likely say yes far more often than you say no, so don’t feel guilty when you set boundaries for yourself.
Need Help Setting Boundaries?
If you struggle with setting boundaries and need guidance, let’s talk. Together, we can create a strategy that brings balance, reduces stress, and allows you to focus on what truly matters to you.